Hokey Pokie

The Crown Casino, Melbourne Australia
(Ignore the crane in the picture. It seems like
Melbourne is always under construction) 

So owing to the fact that it appears several of my friends have found their way to Vegas over the past week I decided to have my own little night of gambling and debauchery and check out the Crown Casino, right here in the heart of Melbourne. Gambling is a serious industry in Australia, (and a bit of a problem.) The activity is not limited to specific locations like it is in America, but is instead legal throughout the country. You can find betting establishments and even the Aussie version of slot machines (pokies) in most bars or hotels.

Australians are some of the world's biggest gamblers. The country has less than 1% of the planet's population but more than 21% of the planet's slot machines. In 2004-2005, roughly 142 billion Australian dollars was gambled in this country. That is A$6400 per Australian citizen, and 72% of that is gambled on pokies (slot machines.) Gambling has become a problem to many in Australia where pokie machines are so readily available. There are signs all over the casino warning people to remain in control, but they seem a little lack luster. After all the Government takes a taxed percentage of all the money made by Aussie gambling.

I decided to launch myself into this world of glitz and golden coins by spending a night at the Crown Casino, which is the biggest casino/hotel in Melbourne. The first thing I noticed was that the building is a huge multi-leveled complex complete with miles of gaming floors, overpriced shops, and restaurants. It was Vegas in almost every respect (okay maybe Atlantic City.) I got myself all dressed up and set my limit for the night at 20 dollars (big spender.) I entered into the casino and very quickly went about "casing" the joint, biding my time and looking for that one big score that was going to win it all for me.

Interior of the Crown, leading to the gaming floor.

The casino offered sports and race betting, electronic poker, black jacks, craps, roulette, and of course pokies, all for the players enjoyment. As I walked around I had hoped to find a black jack table that had a minimum A$5 bet, but I couldn't find one lower than A$15. So I continued my search through the dazzling and glittering landscape, and after 15 minutes I found what I was looking for. Part of my intention was to place a bet on one of Australia's famed pokie machines and like a sign from heaven I found one that was calling my name. Sitting all alone in a forgotten corner, I found a pokie machine named "The Bald Eagle."

I was drawn to it. I sat down on the cushioned stool convinced that fate had placed me in front of the only machine bearing the national symbol of my home land. I took out a 5 dollar bill and inserted it into the machine. My goal was to make the 5 dollars last as long as possible and possibly get a free drink or two from a passing waitress. (Anyone who has visited Atlantic City with me will immediately understand my aims.) So I inserted my money and stopped dead. The buttons on the machine were not like a regular slot machine. They were confusing and oddly generalized. The three main buttons were labeled as "Play," "Bet," and "Collect." Well I only wanted to bet the minimum and I had nothing to collect so by process of elimination I pressed the "Play" button. The machine hummed to life and I watched as the dials spun and landed on a confusing collection of pictures that resulted in a loss. No matter, I thought, I will just spin again, but I suddenly realized I was out of credits. Somehow, I had managed to bet all 5 dollars in one loosing spin.

I got up from my seat dejected and a little afraid to continue sitting near the machine (lest a mechanical arm reach out and grab my wallet.) Thus, I learned a few hard lessons about pokies and Australian gambling. Firstly, passing wiaters in Aussie casinos do not give gamblers free alcohol while gambling as they do in America. Secondly, pokies are confusing and it is extremely easy to lose a lot of money in one spin, (especially if you don't know what your doing.) Since they are not like regular slot machines where you can have a minimum bet of 1 cent, pokies have become part of the gambling problems of Australia. According to a report filed by Australia's Productivity Commission, "machines available in Australia are 'high-intensity' compared to other countries—they are faster and take larger bets. It is possible to stake $100 on a single push on some machines, and the average loss rate per hour is $720, compared with $156 for New Zealand, $130 for the UK, $52 for Japan and $705 for the United States."

Reminds me of Atlantic City

So disheartened by losing a quarter of my alloted money in under 3 seconds I continued my wandering and eventually came to one of the casino's many lounges. It was populated by middle-aged patrons watching "footy" on the TV screen and listening to two lounge singers belting out American country western tunes. I made the decision that if I was going to lose my money I might as well get something for it, so I bought a small 4 dollar drink and spent the next half hour nursing it while feigning interest in the game and tapping my toe to the hits of Shania Twain and Jewel.

After my brief intermission I returned to the gaming floor determined to try again. This time I found another pokie machine and inserted a single dollar coin. I made sure to make the minimum bet each time (2 cents), and I spent the next 3 minutes losing my money slowly. In the end the result was the same, but at least I felt more satisfied. Finally to end the night, I decided to go all or nothing. I took my last remaining 10 dollars and walked up to the roulette table. I boldly exchanged the note for chips and slapped the full amount down on black (Always bet on Black. Wesley Snipes taught me that.) I watched the little ball spin circles around the wheel until it landed, 2-Black. I won and doubled my money. I hesitated for a second and debated letting it ride, but instead I took my winnings and walked away.

I left the casino floor satisfied. I had not won anything but I had not lost anything either. My final daring bet on the roulette table had allowed me to break even for the night and I left richer with the first-hand knowledge of Australian casinos. However, the Crown Casino was not done with me yet, for as I walking out I found myself in the overpriced food court and attracted by the aroma of Chinese food. I decided to spent my 10 dollar winnings on a plate of pork fried rice and honey chicken (the closest thing I have found to General Tso's in the country. It is sweet, but it has no spicy kick to it).


My night's winnings.

Thus, I ended my night with a smile and fried rice. Anyone who knows me, knows I am not much of a gambler, and the Crown Casino is not a place I plan on returning to. However, for one night's diversion it was certainly an entertaining time. I found myself going through the full range of emotions during my stay. I experienced everything from depression to joy to country music, and I ended my night how one should, with a plate of questionably cooked Chinese food. Because, in the end, I would rather gamble on the quality of my pork fried rice than on the spin of a complicated machine I barely understand.