Surviving in the Post-Apocalyptic Australia

Travel Light. All you need is a jug of water, a few
weapons, some basic first aid supplies, and your
walking boots. (Dog is optional)

Welcome, my loyal readers and anyone who still has available use of the Internet. As you are all aware of, over the weekend, the world was raptured. The end days have truly come, and now the world is engulfed in the holy hellfire (oxymoron) that will be our untimely doom. Since I have dedicated myself to keeping this blog updated, I have managed to cobble together a modem from an old car battery, on broken cell phone, and a coconut in order to continue my journalistic endeavours from the other side of the world. Now for those of you who in this new age were not taken up to heaven by the holy rapture and have watched as the world has fallen into chaos and major looting (though in Walmart who can really tell the difference), you may not be quite "in-the-know" about what has been going on in Australia since the Armageddon has come. So for you, I offer a few simple rules for surviving Down Under in this Age of Apocalypse.

1. Scavenge What You Can
Do not let anything go to waste if you can use it. An old hubcap makes a great hotplate, a piece of glass slices and dices like there is no tomorrow, and an old computer should at least be able to do word processing. Remember you do not have to find the right tool for the job, as long as it is close.
MOST ESSENTIAL ITEM: Old iPod. Keep it charged, and it is an excellent defense against the Wallabysaurus, (Half Wallaby, Half T-Rex, All Lover,) as most early-nineties rock bands force the creature into a hypnotic trance. Pearl Jam works the best for some reason.

2. Dress for Success
Now that everything has pretty much gone to hell, you are going to need to get up to date on the standard of dress in the new reality that is Australia. I have found you can never go wrong with leather. Black leather is best, but gray and brown can be acceptable. White should only be a last resort, (I mean its the Apocalypse, not the 80's) You get bonus points if you can rip off one sleeve or even add some decorative metal spikes.

Australian Dress in the Age of Apocalypse. Its almost an
improvement over some of the people I used to see walking
down the street in Melbourne.

3. Always Wear Clean Socks

Just trust me.

4. Pray
Now, I'm not talking about praying for salvation or anything quite so nebulous. I mean if you were really God-Fearing you would have been raptured with all those other goody-2-shoes. No, when I say PRAY I am talking about the mandatory 3 hours of prayer that is required every morning to Lord Jackastophiles, the Demonroo (A demon kangaroo who can jump 300 feet high, yet still has wings) who has proclaimed himself overlord of the majority of Western Australia. I am not saying you have to believe anything you are saying (may he live for all eternity and in his fiery arms we are sheltered), but the Great Lord Jack has been known to get pretty PO'ed if he find his subjects not groveling. Maybe the best advice is to stay out of Western Australia... if you can get across the 50-foot wide bottomless chasm that was the Nullabor.

5. Drink Plenty of Water
I cannot stress enough the importance of hydration. Whether you are running as predator or as prey, you will be thankful that your body is full of life giving H2O. Granted water has become harder to come by in this new age, as some of the natural fresh water sources in the country have been taken over by 80 foot-long Freshwater Crocodiles, but hey, no pain no gain. This of course brings me to my next point:

6. Serpentine Patterns
Dodging and evasion skills are nessecary. Whether you are facing an 80 foot croc or a pack of Giant Raptor-Emus, if you run from side to side there is more a chance that you might just survive with that precious drink of water or to enjoy that 4-foot omelet. Before entering into any situation you should already have your escape route planned, and do whatever you can to make yourself a harder to catch target. Serpentine skills are essential (unless your facing a 50-foot cross-eyed wombat. Running side to side will then only get you killed).

7. Beware of Raiders
I know this seems obvious, but you would be surprised how many people forget themselves or get way too overconfident. Whatever you do, DO NOT fall for any of the obvious tricks like: the injured "pretty girl," the crying child on the side of the road, or the suspiciously labeled "Free Ice Cream" truck (That guy in the Mr. Frosty outfit is only offering a creamy frozen helping of doom). Beware of all overturned vehicles blocking your path or any vacant building or caves that seems too good to be true. They are most likely teeming with with vicious and knife wielding raiders just ready to take what little you own in this world.

LEFT: Pre-Armageddon Australia;
RIGHT: Post-Armageddon Australia
(Hey there is only so much that can happen with desert)

8. Find Allies
Having people who you trust to watch your back not only improves your chances of survival, but helps stave off the slow creeping insanity that will surely engulf you on that lonely road to nowhere. I suggest finding yourself an enigmatic sidekick, or becoming some one's enigmatic sidekick. If you have a choice the former is preferable to the later, as the "hero" role usually comes with a higher survivability rate. (Also for ladies, you may want to try on the role of the "love interest.")
CAUTION: Even though an ally is a valuable asset you must also be aware of the classic "last minute betrayal."

9. Cannibalism is NEVER Okay
I know what your thinking "Oh, but Adam, I'm hungry, and my girlfriend just mistakenly put barbecue sauce on herself instead of sunscreen." Well, don't even think about it buddy, no matter how much condiments your lady friend slathers on herself, cannibalism is wrong. (Use condiments and practice safe lunch, kids.) The world may be over, but you are still a human being for Jack's sake, (may he live for all eternity and in his fiery arms we are sheltered.) Show some control and cling to at least your last shreds of morality and JUST SAY NO. Eating human flesh is dangerous and stupid. Don't you know it is a gateway meat to more serious meats, (such as Kangaroo.)

10. Use Sunscreen
No, I'm not starting a cute graduation speech that will eventually be spoken over jazzy and soft inspirational music. I mean you need to protect your skin from dangerous UV radiation at all times. If you thought Australia had a sun problem back when society had not fallen into a nightmarish hellscape, than you have seen nothing. Not only is there no ozone over the entire continent, but now that the sun has turned blood red its radiation output has jumped by two-fold. The atmosphere over Australia is actively sucking in as much heat and radiation as possible. If your skin is not protected your last words will be "Do you smell something cooking?"


So there you have it, my Top-Ten Tips for Surviving Australia in the Age of Apocalypse. I was thinking of submitting them to Dave Letterman... assuming New York is still standing.