The Circumference of Pie

New York Pizza Deli (NYPD, get it) "Original New York Style
Pizza Pies"... They mean that in the most loosest sense possible.

I'm from New Jersey damnit, and this is not pizza!" I have found myself exploring the realm of Australian Pizza. For my fellow New Jersians who enjoy the great taste of our state's luscious round delicacy, I will start off by saying that what I have tasted is not what you are thinking of. I would also like to add the disclaimer that Australian Pizza is pretty good, it's just different.

I find this very ironic because "the pizza" in the minds of Australia will seem to forever be associated with America and to a lesser extent Tony Soprano. Walking around Melbourne I have seen pizza establishments named: "Wise Guys' Pizza," "Godfather's Pizza," and other colorful mafia and New Jersey related names, but do not let the names fool you as the pizza I have partaken of here is not one bit like New Jersey Pizza, or any American Pizza for that matter. (This is not even mentioning that not a single place is actually operated by any Italians. Most seem to be run by Greek and Chinese.) As for the pizza itself, there are a few essential differences which change the nature of the saucy circular delight as you cross the International Time Zone, (well except for Domino's... wherever you go on this globe, Domino's still tastes like crap.)

For starters most pizza in this country is made with tomato paste instead of tomato sauce. So there is no mixing of sauces to make a pizza spicier or sweeter or saucier or anything-er. The dough is smeared with straight tomato paste. Similarly, the cheese is not always traditional mozzarella. Acceptable substitutes are Boccaccini, Parmesan, and Goat Cheese. Again, I am not saying that these pizzas are not good, they just taste different. (In other words its not Baaaaa-d *Wink*).

The biggest difference lies in the Aussie choice of toppings. Let me recite to you the toppings found in some of the pizzas listed on a local pizza menu near my flat. The establishment is called Bay Crust Pizza, and the Garden Cottage Pizza has the following toppings:
*Sauce,
*Cheese,
*Mushroom,
*Capsicum (which is a pepper seasoning).

It seems reasonable, right? Next is the Aussie Pizza:
*Sauce,
*Cheese,
*Ham,
*Bacon,
*Egg

Okay I can see the Ham and even the Bacon, but I am pretty sure the inclusion of Egg officially turns it into a breakfast food. Last let me give you the ingredients to the authentic American Pizza:
*Sauce
*Cheese
*Ham
*Hot Salami

Apparently in the mind of Australians, that is what goes on an America Pizza. It would seem they need more research before they go proclaiming their pizza as "American." (I mean, that's what all the kids are clamoring for, the hot salami.) I haven't even mentioned the Smoked Salmon Pizza or the Wild Prawn Pizza, but we'll leave those for another day. The dirty secret of Australia is that they love putting salami, and especially ham on everything. They put it on their Chicken Parmigiana. Truthfully, I cannot blame them as their legendary love for ham is more of a cultural thing than anything. 

All hail the Overlords

This Aussie love of Ham all started during the early days after their transportation to the lonely continent of Australia. Britian no longer wanted to incur the cost of keeping the prisoners and sold them to the current rulers of the island, the Porktecs. The Porktecs were cruel and muddy dictators that worked those first Australians to the exhaustion in the truffle fields. Finally, in 1864 a prisoner by the name Hamilton Quincy Bacon (affectionately called Ham by his friends) rallied the colonist into a revolt of epic proportions, forever known as Ham's Revolution. Those early colonists overthrew the pig overlords at the Battle of Pork's Chop. In celebration of their victory the Aussies consumed the flesh of their enemies to gain their power and knowledge. Sadly, with the downfall of the Porktec Empire the mystery of their arithmetic, astronomy, and how to operate their famed jet pack technology was lost to the ages. (Yet, we did retain a basic understanding of their language, Pig-Latin.) Now Australians add ham to all things so as to never forget the sacrifices of their forefathers and to remind themselves to be ever vigilant, lest their former overlords return for revenge. This revenge was foretold by the great pig chieftain Oink-ezuma, and the Aussies remain ever on alert. (This story is 100% fact, just look it up on Wikipedia.)

I do want to end by reiterating that Aussie pizza is pretty good. The ham tastes like pepperoni, and the Australians are a people who love to add pineapple to many of their pizzas (which would make a certain friend of mine very happy). Still, sometimes I think about home and I just want to rush back and get a big slice from Lodi Pizza, or Bruno's, or Frank's, or Pizza Town USA, or Ricardo's, or Mario's, or Donnagio's, or etc, etc, etc... Truly it was a land of plenty.