The Circumference of Pie

New York Pizza Deli (NYPD, get it) "Original New York Style
Pizza Pies"... They mean that in the most loosest sense possible.

I'm from New Jersey damnit, and this is not pizza!" I have found myself exploring the realm of Australian Pizza. For my fellow New Jersians who enjoy the great taste of our state's luscious round delicacy, I will start off by saying that what I have tasted is not what you are thinking of. I would also like to add the disclaimer that Australian Pizza is pretty good, it's just different.

I find this very ironic because "the pizza" in the minds of Australia will seem to forever be associated with America and to a lesser extent Tony Soprano. Walking around Melbourne I have seen pizza establishments named: "Wise Guys' Pizza," "Godfather's Pizza," and other colorful mafia and New Jersey related names, but do not let the names fool you as the pizza I have partaken of here is not one bit like New Jersey Pizza, or any American Pizza for that matter. (This is not even mentioning that not a single place is actually operated by any Italians. Most seem to be run by Greek and Chinese.) As for the pizza itself, there are a few essential differences which change the nature of the saucy circular delight as you cross the International Time Zone, (well except for Domino's... wherever you go on this globe, Domino's still tastes like crap.)

For starters most pizza in this country is made with tomato paste instead of tomato sauce. So there is no mixing of sauces to make a pizza spicier or sweeter or saucier or anything-er. The dough is smeared with straight tomato paste. Similarly, the cheese is not always traditional mozzarella. Acceptable substitutes are Boccaccini, Parmesan, and Goat Cheese. Again, I am not saying that these pizzas are not good, they just taste different. (In other words its not Baaaaa-d *Wink*).

The biggest difference lies in the Aussie choice of toppings. Let me recite to you the toppings found in some of the pizzas listed on a local pizza menu near my flat. The establishment is called Bay Crust Pizza, and the Garden Cottage Pizza has the following toppings:
*Sauce,
*Cheese,
*Mushroom,
*Capsicum (which is a pepper seasoning).

It seems reasonable, right? Next is the Aussie Pizza:
*Sauce,
*Cheese,
*Ham,
*Bacon,
*Egg

Okay I can see the Ham and even the Bacon, but I am pretty sure the inclusion of Egg officially turns it into a breakfast food. Last let me give you the ingredients to the authentic American Pizza:
*Sauce
*Cheese
*Ham
*Hot Salami

Apparently in the mind of Australians, that is what goes on an America Pizza. It would seem they need more research before they go proclaiming their pizza as "American." (I mean, that's what all the kids are clamoring for, the hot salami.) I haven't even mentioned the Smoked Salmon Pizza or the Wild Prawn Pizza, but we'll leave those for another day. The dirty secret of Australia is that they love putting salami, and especially ham on everything. They put it on their Chicken Parmigiana. Truthfully, I cannot blame them as their legendary love for ham is more of a cultural thing than anything. 

All hail the Overlords

This Aussie love of Ham all started during the early days after their transportation to the lonely continent of Australia. Britian no longer wanted to incur the cost of keeping the prisoners and sold them to the current rulers of the island, the Porktecs. The Porktecs were cruel and muddy dictators that worked those first Australians to the exhaustion in the truffle fields. Finally, in 1864 a prisoner by the name Hamilton Quincy Bacon (affectionately called Ham by his friends) rallied the colonist into a revolt of epic proportions, forever known as Ham's Revolution. Those early colonists overthrew the pig overlords at the Battle of Pork's Chop. In celebration of their victory the Aussies consumed the flesh of their enemies to gain their power and knowledge. Sadly, with the downfall of the Porktec Empire the mystery of their arithmetic, astronomy, and how to operate their famed jet pack technology was lost to the ages. (Yet, we did retain a basic understanding of their language, Pig-Latin.) Now Australians add ham to all things so as to never forget the sacrifices of their forefathers and to remind themselves to be ever vigilant, lest their former overlords return for revenge. This revenge was foretold by the great pig chieftain Oink-ezuma, and the Aussies remain ever on alert. (This story is 100% fact, just look it up on Wikipedia.)

I do want to end by reiterating that Aussie pizza is pretty good. The ham tastes like pepperoni, and the Australians are a people who love to add pineapple to many of their pizzas (which would make a certain friend of mine very happy). Still, sometimes I think about home and I just want to rush back and get a big slice from Lodi Pizza, or Bruno's, or Frank's, or Pizza Town USA, or Ricardo's, or Mario's, or Donnagio's, or etc, etc, etc... Truly it was a land of plenty.

A Serious Issue

So I had prepared a rather humorous blog for tonight full of lively social commentary, bad movie references, and other such insightful comments that it probably would have made your head explode from its shear awesomeness, but I am putting that one on hold, as there is a serious matter happening in this part of the world that I feel the need to address. Namely that there has been a real tragedy in New Zealand, (and I'm not talking about the rise of Sauron.)

New Zealand unfortunately resides on the Ring of Fire, which are the huge volatile tectonic plates that make up the Pacific Ocean (not the Johnny Cash song as I am sure some of you were thinking.) Yesterday about 1:00 pm NZ time an earthquake measuring 6.3 on the Richter scale struck the city of Christchurch, which (as I am sure many Americans are aware) is New Zealand's second largest city. That would be like Los Angeles getting devastated by an Earthquake. The population of Christchurch is 376,700, (okay so maybe its more like Witchita, Kansas being devastated by an Earthquake, but you get what I am saying,) and currently there are 75 people confirmed dead, but that total rises every hour. There are still 300 people missing, presumably buried under the tons of ruble in the downtown district.

The Earthquake struck at the worst possible time, during the height of the lunch hour. Tourists and business-people alike were enjoying lunch in the many cafes and were conducting their lives as normal within the skyscrapers and buildings of Christchurch when the quake started. Many buildings just collapsed while others only partially crumbled leaving hundreds of people trapped. I watched the footage of the news and it is truly horrifying. It reminded me a lot of the footage of 9-11. Buildings were falling, people were running for their lives, people in business suites were creating make-shift ladders to rescue other trapped people, and power/water/utilities are out all over the city. Some hospitals had to be abandoned due to fear of collapse, leaving doctors and nurses to treat patients in parks and open spaces without proper facilities. the city has since suffered hundreds of small aftershocks, and currently special rescue teams are heading to New Zealand from both Australia and America to help with the efforts.

The worst part is that this comes only 6 months after the last earthquake suffered by Christchurch. (If you never heard about that, it is because it came in the dead of the night and the damage was relatively small in comparison.) It is a horrible and heart-wrenching event. Christchurch was a beautiful city on the banks of the River Avon. The main attraction was the Christ Church Cathedreal, which was large beautiful chruch erected in 1864. The main tower spire collapsed with several people inside it. I had even planned on visiting the city when I stopped over in New Zealand for a while... I don't know I still might, if only to pay my respects.

Truthfully, I am beginning to question the stability of this entire region. Sometimes I wonder if I am not standing on a ticking Atlantis-like time bomb waiting to go off. So far in my tenure in Australia (about 7 weeks), I have seen massive flooding, bushfires, a hurricane the size of the continental US, and now an earthquake that crippled a major New Zealand city. I don't think I would be surprised if in three weeks the "sun became black as sackcloth, [and] the full moon became like blood," and I hear Jesus is scheduled to make a special appearance at the Rod Laver Arena in downtown Melbourne. (I think he is opening up for Usher).

I also want to add the disclaimer that I am not making light of any of the serious issues surrounding this or any of the other tragedies that have befallen this part of the world. I am just writing in the only manner I know how to, and I mean no offense in my style or comments. There are many families still unsure of the fate of their loved ones, and that is nothing to joke about. My thoughts are with all the victims and their families, and I would ask for you to do the same this week as you go about your daily lives.

A Thousand Ways to Die

I was just informed by my roommates that a day before I arrived my one roommate found a Funnel-Web Spider in the kitchen sink and was forced to promptly kill it. This of course prompted me to put on long pants, socks, a sweater, a full face mask, and to strip all the sheets off my bed, close all my windows (even though it was 80 degrees out), and to thoroughly search my room and all my possessions. Why did I overreact? Only because the Funnel-Web Spider is one of the deadliest spiders on earth.

"I thought those were only in the Outback?" I asked naively. (I mean I am in a major metropolitan city, where I thought my biggest risk was being hit by an errant tram.) Turns out the Funnel-Web is quite common in Melbourne. So now I check my room every night... but of course there is more than just spiders that can kill you here. I will again quote Bill Bryson on this subject matter. "This is a country where the fluffiest caterpillars can lay out a toxic nip, where seashells will not just sting you but actually sometimes go for you... Its a tough place."

If you don't believe me, here are just a few of the dangers you face in the Land of Oz.

Funnel-Web Spider, These spiders are medium-to-large in size, with body lengths ranging from 1 cm to 5 cm (0.4" to 2"). Funnel-webs are one of the three most dangerous spiders in the world and are regarded by some to be the most dangerous. Examination of bite records has implicated "wandering male spiders" in most (if not all) fatal funnel-web bites to humans. Adult males will defend themselves vigorously if they feel threatened and tend to wander during the warmer months of the year looking for receptive females for mating. They are attracted to water and hence are often found in swimming pools, into which they often fall while wandering. The spiders can survive such immersion for several hours and can deliver a bite when removed from the water. They also show up in garages and yards in suburban homes. 

The box jellyfish has been called "the world's most venomous creature." Each tentacle has about 500,000 harpoon-shaped needles that inject venom into the victim. In Australia, the fatal envenomations are most often perpetrated by the largest species of box jelly, Chironex fleckeri. At least two deaths in Australia have been attributed to the thumbnail-sized Carukia barnesi. Those who fall victim to C. barnesi may suffer severe physical and psychological symptoms known as Irukandji syndrome. In Australia, C. fleckeri has caused at least 64 deaths since the first report in 1883. Most recent deaths in Australia have been in children, which is linked to their smaller body mass.

Redbacks are considered among the most dangerous spiders in Australia. The female Redback is the most easily recognizable with its black body and red markings. The Redback spider has a neurotoxic venom which is toxic to humans with bites causing severe pain. it is related to the Black Widow Spider. On Australian record only 14 deaths from redbacks have been recorded. Only about 20% of bite victims require treatment. Children and the elderly or those with serious medical conditions are at much higher risk of severe side-effects and death resulting from a bite. The larger female spider is responsible for almost all cases of Redback spider bites in humans. Most bites occur in the warmer months between December and April and in the afternoon or evening. As the female Redback is slow-moving, and rarely leaves its web, bites generally occur as a result of a person placing a hand or other body part too close to the web, such as when reaching into dark holes or wall cavities. Bites can also occur if a spider has hidden in clothes or shoes.

The Stonefish is a venomous and dangerous fish which is even fatal to humans. It is the most venomous fish in the world, and is found in the coastal regions of Australia. They are primarily marine, though some species are known to live in rivers. The fish have a potent neurotoxin secreted from glands at the base of their needle-like dorsal fin spines which stick up when disturbed or threatened. The vernacular name of the species, the stonefish, derives from being able to camouflage and transform itself to a grey and mottled color similar to the color of a stone. Divers have sometimes stepped on them, thinking they are stones.

Many people have experienced spectacular allergic reactions when they have come into contact with both live and dead ticks. Having a tick simply walk over a person's hand produces in some people an intense discomfort and itching. In southeast Queensland a "maddening rash" is caused by infestation by many tick larvae. Not infrequently a single tick embedded over an eyelid will result in gross facial and neck swelling within a few hours. The person can go on to develop very severe signs of throat compression within 5–6 hours after the first onset of symptoms. Whilst systemic paralysis is possible in humans it is now a relatively rare occurrence, because an engorging adult female tick needs to remain attached for several days. This was more likely to occur in the past because there was less medical and public awareness of the problem. Paralysis is more likely to occur in children and in situations where ticks are attached in places they are not easily detected. Up to 1989, 20 human fatalities had been reported in Australia.

The blue-ringed octopus live in tide pools in the Pacific Ocean, from Japan to Australia. Despite their small size and relatively docile nature, they are currently recognized as one of the world's most venomous animals. They can be recognized by their characteristic blue and black rings and yellowish skin. When the octopus is agitated, the brown patches darken dramatically, and iridescent blue rings or clumps of rings appear and pulsate within the maculae. The blue-ringed octopus is 12 to 20 cm (5 to 8 inches), but its venom is powerful enough to kill humans. There is no blue-ringed octopus antivenom available. Definitive hospital treatment involves placing the patient on a medical ventilator until the toxin is neutralized by the body. The symptoms vary in severity, with children being the most at risk because of their small body size. Because the venom primarily kills through paralysis, victims are frequently saved if artificial respiration is started and maintained. Victims who live through the first 24 hours generally go on to make a complete recovery



Conidae, or Cone Shells are small creature that hide inside of seas shells. They remain hidden until prey happens by at which point they strike injecting a neurotoxin into their victim. They hunt and immobilize prey using a modified radular tooth along with a poison gland containing neurotoxins; the tooth is launched out of the snail's mouth in a harpoon-like action. Often times tourists will be walking on the beach, see a beautiful looking seashell and hold it up to their ear. Instead of hearing the ocean they get an ear full of venom. Australia even has deadly snails.

Australia is home to the world's ten most poisonous snakes. Pictured above is the Fierce Snake or Inland Taipan, found mostly in Central Australia. It is considered the most venomous snake in the world. The other 9 snakes in order from most deadly to least are: The Common Brown Snake, found all over Australia; The Taipan Snake, found usually in North East Australia; The Eastern Tiger Snake, found in the eastern parts of Australia; the Riesvie Tiger Snake, found all over Australia; The Beaked Sea Snake, found mostly in north eastern Australia; The Western Tiger Snake, found all over Australia (despite the name); The Giant Black Tiger Snake, found both in Australia and Tasmania; The Death Adder (sounds like a heavy metal band I once saw), found in most of Australia; and lastly the Western Brown Snake, found in most of Australia. Please not that just because the Western Brown Snake is the lowest on the list, that does not mean that it does not have enough venom to drop a human. Basically whether you finish first or last on this list... let's face it, you are still a poisonous snake.

The Saltwater Crocodile are found thriving in the Northern Territory, Western Australia, and Queensland. They live commonly in estuaries, but many are known to actually brave the shallower parts of the ocean along the northern and western coasts. The Saltwater Crocodile can grow to sizes of 6 meters (for Americans that is roughly 20 FEET in length). These prehistoric creatures have a wide range of eating habits. They have even been known to eat sharks when given the chance. They have been known to attack and devour humans and there is roughly 1 or 2 deaths annually in Australia attributed to the saltwater croc, usually attacking unsuspecting people who are just walking along the beach. the lightning fast attack comes without warning and is over before the unfortunate victim even realizes what hit them. The Saltwater Croc also has the distinction of being in the Guinness Book of Records under the heading of "The Greatest Disaster Suffered from Animals." The incident in question happened on February 19, 1945, during the Japanese retreat in the Battle of Ramree Island. British soldiers encircled the swampland through which the Japanese were retreating, forcing the Japanese to a night in the mangroves portion of the island. It is estimated that saltwater crocodiles were responsible for the deaths of 400 Japanese soldiers that night.

What would this list be if I didn't mention Sharks. Pictured above is the Great White Shark, of which can be found in Australian waters, and even sometimes inland. After the major flooding in Queensland many sharks were following the rising waters and were attacking cars and other submerged objects in flooded towns while terrified residents watched from the roofs of their houses. The Great White is one of three types of sharks most implicated in human fatalities, and most attacks by sharks are attributed to what are called, "test-bites," where a shark will bite a human to see what it is, often mistaking it for a seal. Most deaths from shark bites result from victims bleeding out or from punctured organs, not from actual devouring. Typically deaths often result in attacked swimmers or surfers that were alone in the waters. Once immobilized by the initial bite they are often unable to flee and either bleed out or drown. Survival of a shark attack often relies on the need for other people to help the victim return to shore as a shark's typical hunting routine relies on making the initial bite to weaken the animal before going in for the kill. The great white and other sharks are usually confounded by the ability of humans to work together to escape before that happens.

Of course, I am leaving out a lot of other dangers, such as natural ones, like; riptides that are so common along the coasts and can pull unsuspecting people screaming people beyond the shore; dehydration and disorientation which happens to many who wander the outback; bushfires which are common and can ravage entire towns and landscapes uncontrolled; or even skin cancer which is a major concern in the land without a proper ozone layer over it.

Even the most iconic animals of this country are deadly in their own way. The claws of a koala can easily rend and tear human flesh, especially when provoked. The kick of a kangaroo is powerful enough to shatter a human's rib cage, and the emu is basically a raptor with feathers. It can use its over sized talons to rip you from belly to chin or it could trample you, kick you, or simply peck you to death. This is a dangerous place. Part of me misses New York. At least there you only had to worry about gangs and muggers.

Aussie Speak

Spending a lot of time among the natives in this strange land has taught me a few things. Among them: when crossing the street always look right, left, right (or is that left, right, left...); never drink Victoria Bitter Beer; and always check your room at night for spiders that could possibly kill you in your sleep... but the one thing I am still trying to get a handle on is the Australian accent. I have been studying the language of these odd and friendly people, and though I do not have an ear for language, I have been trying to figure out why it sounds so different. I have observed a few things in my studies which people may find interest in.

Firstly, Aussies have a tendency to talk quicker than most other English speakers. You need to pay closer attention when they talk or their accent could turn into one big slur of jumbled words. Also they tend to ignore the "r's" of a word. Their cities are perfect examples of that. "Melbourne" for instance, is not pronounced as: "Mel-Born," as Americans do, they say "Mel-Bin." "Canberra" become "Can-bra" and for some reason "Cairns" become "Cans." Along the same lines, I have found that the Aussies are lazy (not in the traditional sense, but I mean lazy in speaking.) As I mentioned, they rush their speech and as a result, not everything gets properly pronounced. Even when they cannot rush a word they give a shorter word to replace it. McDonalds for instance is call "Makkers." Names get shortened as well. My friend, Lauren is named "Loz". Australia becomes "Oz," Good Day becomes "G'day," etc...

Australians have also inherited a distinctive British twang (even though they wont admit it), and a lot of their language and words are based on British English. They say words like "bloody," "bloke," "blimey," "dodgy," and other assorted words you might find in a Dickens novel. They also spell words like "colour," "tyre," "centre," etc. However, I do not want to give the example that they are not original in their own language. For more examples, I am compiling some of my favorite Aussie words and phrases into a list. Refer to the below to find out more:

Barbie - Barbecue Barney - An argument; or a fight of some sort Belt Up - Shut up; or be quiet Bodgie - An item that was not well made Bush - The back country (can also be added to other words such as "bushlawyer," "bush carpenter," "bush whacker," etc) Chalkie - Teacher Chunder - To vomit Cop Shop - Police Station Cracker - Worthless; Not worth a Cracker Crikey - General exclamation of surprise or some other emotion. Crust - Slang for money Dag - A geek or nerd; Adam is a dag and proud of it. Dekko - Look Demons - Slang for plain clothed police Digger - Slang for an Aussie soldier Drack - Ugly Fair Crack of the Whip - To act; or compete fairly Fair Dinkum - Exclamation meaning oh really; or no kidding. Fly - Try; Give it a fly. Gargle - A drink; I am going out for a gargle. Good Of' - An expression meant to agree with something that was said. Hooray - Good bye Lolly - A candy; or sweet Lollywater - A soft drink Mate - Friend Meat Axe - Crazy; He's as mad as a meat axe. Mossie - Mosquito Narked - Angry; He is narked at you. Nekkered - Tired Nong - Stupid Person Nuggety - Stocky person; or big boned person Oil - Information; Give me the oil on whats happening. Oldie - Senior citizen Onkus - Used to describe something mechanical that is not working; That toaster is onkus. Over the Fence - A person who is not reasonable Plonk - cheap wine or alcohol Pollies - A politician Prezzie - Present; or gift Pull a Swifty - Play a trick on someone Put the Bite On - Ask for money from someone Ratty - Odd

Rip - Used to describe an annoyance; Doesn't that just rip you? Ripper - Used to describe something excellent; That party was ripper. Rocking Horse Manure - A phrase used to describe something that doesn't exist, such as an unbelievable story or tale Ropeable - A person angry enough that they should be tied down. Rort - A dishonest scheme; or lie Schoolie - A school teacher Screamer - Someone who is easily drunk Serve - To tell someone off; or to yell at someone She's Apples - Everything is in order; or everything is ready to go She's Jake - Everything is fine; or everything is okay Sheila - A girl; or a woman Sherbert - Slang for beer Shrewdie - A cunning person Sickie - A day where you call out sick to work Skite - To boast Smackers - Dollars Snack - Something that is easily accomplished Snags - Sausages Snakey - Bad tempered; or not in a good mood Sook - A cry baby Sort - A girl; or a woman Spitting Chips - Being very angry Squiz - A quick look; Go take a squiz over those rocks. Stonkered - Very drunk Stoush - A fight Suss Out - To invitage a situation; or to figure something out Tee Up - Set something up Tinny - Lucky Trumps - A likeable person Turp - Liquor Uni - Slang for university Whack - A ration of something; or a share of something; I'll take a whack of those peanuts. Whinge - Complain Word - Tell; I'll go word him up on the plan. You Beaut - A exclamation of joy

All in all, the Aussies have certainly developed their unique language. I attribute it partially to the influence of Aboriginal language and names, in a similar way to how American names can be distinctly Native American in origin. As usual though I am fascinated by the way the people of this country talk. It not only manages to convey an awful lot of information but has the distinction of sounding easy going. Still it is an accent I cannot emulate, which I know will disappoint some people at home.

Mo' Money Mo' Problems

Myself, on the job in the exciting world of charity collection.
I'm trying to stay positive, and mostly I am hoping no one
tries to throw anything at me today.

All play no work makes Adam a lazy lazy person... happier, but lazy nonetheless. That is why about a month ago I got a job with a charity called Helping Hoops. Basically it is a charity that teaches disadvantaged children basketball, children who are disabled, refugees, come from bad home conditions, etc. It sounds very noble and I applied for it along with several other jobs. Helping Hoops was the only organization I heard back from. Long story short I work as one of their fundraisers. Which means I have a plastic cup that I take from business to business and beg for money with. In Australia they apparently call that hawking, but the first time someone called me a hawker I thought they were yelling some obscure Ausssie curse at me. The target for a day is A$200, which sounds relatively easy on paper, but turns out that in practice it is a lot more difficult. Basically, the math seemed simple. If I talk to 200 people a day (which I easily do) and everyone gives A$1 than I will be set. I knew that was only an estimate as some would give nothing, but some people give 5 dollars. Turns out there are a lot of other factors I forgot to contend with and I have had some interesting experiences over the past four weeks.

I once got locked in an abandoned building, which I entered because the door was open. Turned out, when shut the door locked on both sides. My best experience was when I scored a free beer at a pub, but mostly you don't get a lot of good experiences. I have been cursed at and thrown out of shops (almost by force). It seems that a lot of charitable organizations in the city resort to hawking to collect money and shop owners are sick of donating to panhandlers and vagabond collectors (and understandably). So more often than not you get a "no," followed usually by a long winded excuse. You see, the thing about the Aussies is that they are really nice people and they actually feel guilty when they do not donate. Most people don't want you thinking that they do not donate so once they refuse to give you money, you usually have to stand there for the next minute and listen as they recite the 20 or so charities that usually do give to. Basically, they don't want me walking away with the wrong impression and they will try to convince me that they give regularly to the kids or the animals or the environment or the save the caterpillar foundation, etc. These days most people go with the "I am gave all my money to the Queensland Flooding." Truthfully though, as annoying as that approach is, I almost prefer it to the other types of "No's" you get throughout the day.

For instance, most non-Aussies such as Chinese, Greek, Slovakian, and other foreign shop owners have a manual they all follow for dealing with people like me. (It is handed out by the Australian government to all immigrants upon acquiring a business license.) I try not to generalize, but basically, when I walk into a foreign owned store I can usually predict how it will work out. I will walk up to the counter, smile at the clerk and/or employees and give my usual spiel. I will than stand there dumbly for a few moments as they continue to look at me before uttering in broken English, "Boss, not here," (even though I can clearly see him standing behind you, or even if it is painfully clear that you are the boss.) I am usually ceased by the desire to tell them is that we accept personal donations as well as business donations and any small amount of change will suffice, but what I really say is. "Okay. Have a nice day," and I walk out, because quite frankly what is the point... Another favorite of course is when I get a speech about how times are tough and about how I and everyone like me should stop bothering hard working people. At least it is better than being cursed out. I was once told very clearly to go away and do some unnatural things to myself by a personal trainer (though to be fair I think it was the roids talking). However, I do not want to make it sound like everyone is tight with money. You do get some very generous people who give gold coins (Aussie dollars and 2 dollars) or even notes (usually 5 dollars, but sometimes a 10). You also get others who give you 20 cents and make it sound like they just broke the bank to do it.

Regardless, it tends to be a tough job and pretty thankless job. When you hit the A$200 dollar mark, the boss gives you no congratulations and of course when you come in under the mark you tend to get a speech about how you need to improve your attitude. At which point I usually want to tell him to go and do some pretty nasty things to himself. (How is that for improving my attitude)... I do wonder sometimes why I accepted it. My rationale was that I wanted to do a job that was outside my comfort zone. I had hoped by taking a job that involved a large volume of contact with people I could work on being more outgoing and more personable (even if I am faking it.) Truthfully it has worked to at least some degree, (most noticeably with cute shop girls.) Also there is miles and miles of walking involved in the job and I thought that it might help me stay slim help, and give me the opportunity to see parts of the city. However, mostly it just tends to be blisters, sunburn, people talking down to you, and the occasional angry dog. I was never lucky enough to serve in the military (mostly due to my massive cowardice), but maybe in a way I am trying to make up for that. I mean this job seems to have the right mix of physical exhaustion, dehydration, and is certainly degrading to my person. Maybe I am testing myself... Maybe I am just being silly... Maybe I'm glad that Aussie shopkeepers don't have the right to bear arms.

Tramdemonium

Most big cities I have been to usually have some sort of unique form of public transportation. New York has the subway. It is fast, avoids traffic, and costs about $2 to enter the system and travel anywhere you want across the 5 boroughs. Similarly, Chicago has the L-Train, and even Philly has a comprehensive network of public buses. Most make sense and once you understand the spaghetti-like maps which tell you where each subway goes and where to make connections, you can navigate the city with relative ease. Among these forms of "unique" transportation I would like to add the Melbourne Tram System. The only exception being, that it is one of the worst public transportation systems made.

The trams, (kinda like drinking day old milk, because you are conserving money) seem like a good idea in conception, but the execution usually winds up being far worse than expected. The Melbourne tram system runs down the middle of most major roads in Melbourne. There are different numbered trams running to different destinations and stops (like taking tram 97 to stop 36... or was that tram 36 to stop 97?). Sometimes these trams run on different tracks and sometimes they run on the same tracks. Electrical tram wires overhang most major intersections of the city and give the appearance of a tightrope act gone wrong. On other less major streets the trams must share the car lanes, thus often causing confusion and havoc as cars must wait for trams, or worse try to dodge around the slow moving capsules. Perhaps the worst part is that trams (unlike subways) must obey traffic laws and must stop for things like read lights, traffic jams, as well as electrical breakdowns in the tram system.

Thus, what Melbourne has actually created is a more complicated and more expensive bus system. In my opinion it would be cheaper if all the trams were just converted to buses and given their own separate lane in the center of the road. Than, the rails and overhanging electrical wires can be done away with and it will be cheaper to maintain and use the system. The city however is against this, (as I have been told by many a Melbournian), because the Tram System is considered historic and helps to define Melbourne as a city. In other words, the system may not work, but its ours so we are going to keep it.



Just another morning in Melbourne, brought to you by the
Yarra Tram Company.



At the very least the city should think about refining the pay system for the trams. To gain admittance onto the trams you must either buy a ticket at a corner store or designated MetCard retailer, or you must purchase the ticket on the tram itself at the automated machine. This sounds simple enough, but (again like the sour milk) looks can be deceiving. The machines on board the tram systems only accept change. (imagine my surprise the first time I got on a tram and realized that I could not insert paper money to pay for my ride, nor could I use a credit card... and the doors had already shut and we were moving.) I mean what machine these days doesn't accept bills or credit? More to the point, Aussie money is made of high grade plastic that is meant to be sophisticated and high tech. How high tech could it be if it won't even process through a ticket machine?

But I am digressing. The real dilemma of all of this comes when you get up for work and head to the tram at about 9 AM. None of the stores are open at this time, because Australia exists in a leisurely world where they see no need to open before 10 AM, and if you live outside the main city where all the main tram stations are located you cannot purchase a ticket with money or credit. If you do not have A$6 in change for an all day ticket or A$3 in change for a 2 hour ticket, than you might be walking. I have tried to alleviate this "oh #&*%" scenario by purchasing a prepaid MyKi card which is a digital card you swipe when you enter onto the tram. You can recharge it at any convenient MyKi machine (found conveniently only in the downtown area) or through the Internet. It sounded easy enough, but what they don't tell you is that it takes over 24 hours to process any recharge made to the card. Thus, if my balance is low and I recharge the card on Thursday, I may not be able to use it again till Saturday.

The whole system is messed up and I am not saying this as an American but as an adopted Melbournian myself. Most locals will agree with me. Maybe its time to invest in a bike and a new carton of milk.

Jiminy Cricket!

So I attended my first Cricket game at the Melbourne Cricket Ground. The MCG is a huge stadium that can fit about 110,000 people (though in Melbourne you will usually only get that kind of crowd for an AFL "Footy" game, and ironically not a cricket game.) The game I attended was the Victoria Bushrangers versus the South Australian Southern Redbacks. It was part of the KFC (yes I was surprised to learn that the Colonel was such a huge cricket fan) Twenty20 Big Bash Tournament. It was a quick game, what is called a 20/20 match, but to explain what that means I have to try and explain what Cricket is, which can be a little complicated. I will try to explain the game, but if you want a more thorough explanation check the wikipedia pager here.

Victoria (in the blue) is bowling, while South Australia (in the red)
is batting during the second part of the 20/20 game.

Now, let's start with "Adam's Cricket for Americans." Basically you have to look at a cricket game like a baseball game with only one baseline and unlimited pitches. The batter stands in front of three small poles stuck in the sand called wickets. The pitcher, which is known as the bowler in cricket, must bowl the ball at the wickets. The ball must bounce once before it is batted, and it cannot be thrown through the air like a baseball because that is considered a "no bowl," the ball must be bowled again and the batting team gets 1 point. Basically the batter can swing as many times as he wishes, but if the ball gets through and hits the wickets he is out, or if he hits it and it is caught in the air he is also out. If the batter hits the ball, he runs straight at the wickets behind the position of the bowler, and his teammate who was standing at those wickets runs to switch positions with him. Every time there is a successful position switch of the two alternating batters it is considered 1 point. The batters can switch as much as they like when the ball has been hit, but if the ball is thrown by a defending fielder and it hits the wickets and the batters have not crossed the line before the ball hits the wickets they are out and another player comes in to take their place. Additionally, there is a rope stretched in a circle around the entire field and if the ball is batted and it rolls to that line and hits that line, the batter automatically scores 4 points. If the ball is hit over the line, he scores 6 points. (In Australia they don't understand what I mean when I say "hit a home run." I have to say "hit a six.")

On the defensive side there are 9 fielders and one bowler. Everyone on the field has the potential to be a bowler and they will switch often during the match. The fielders get no gloves or other sort of assistance when trying to catch or stop a batted ball. The fielder behind the batting wickets does get some funny looking mop-like gloves which they can use to stop a ball that is batted backwards, but I would rather have a catcher's mitt, personally. But lets return to batting for a moment.

If you are still with me, brace yourself because it gets more convoluted from here on out. In cricket there are only two "innings," (though the Aussies do not call them innings). Basically, one team gets to bat and score as many runs as they can, and then the opposing team gets to bat and score as many points as they can. At the end of the game the team with the most points wins. Now determining who bats and for how long is a bit strange. Each team only has 10 batters. In a 20/20, (like the one I went to,) each side bats until all 10 batters are out, or until they have made 20 overs. Each "over" is 6 hits. So in a 20/20 match each team gets to hit 120 balls. At the end of each "over" the bowler switches sides and bowls to the batter standing near the wickets on the opposite side of the field. The batters can continue batting until they get out, but they do not have to stop batting. It is not like baseball where you hit, walk, or get out, and the next batter is up. It is possible to have two alternating batters hit for the entire game. (That is why cricket batting line-ups are made with the best batter batting first down to the worst batter batting last.) There are other games besides 20/20 games. There is a 50/50 game, which means each side gets 300 balls each. To put this in perspective a 20/20 match lasts about as long as a standard baseball game, (3 to 4 hours.) a 50/50 game can last all day long, (8 to 10 hours).

Than there is a what is called a "Test" match. This is the traditional cricket game played in the traditional way. Each team wears traditional white, they play with a red ball, there is no music or pyrotechnics allowed during the game, and most dauntingly the game can last over SEVERAL DAYS. That is correct, there are no "overs." Each batter bats till they get out and when the first team has 10 outs the second team gets to bat until they get 10 outs. A test match is very long and there are even allowances for lunch and dinner breaks.

Cricket is a very interesting game. It can be a bit boring, but most Americans would admit the same thing about baseball games. (At least we do not have to watch Derek Jeter hit 500 balls over the span of 4 days) It is a decidedly British game and it is a little interesting to me that the Aussies play it all. Australian games include things like soccer, field jockey, their (very violent version of) "footy," and several variations of rugby, each more violent than the last. Aussie sports usually include blood and hits and broken bones, and then there is cricket, where everyone wears white and sips tea. Personally, I was kind of hoping that the batters would start to use their cricket bats to swing at the fielders as they ran, but that didn't happen. I actually think the Aussies can improve this time tested game for the better, but they have already tried.

In the beginning there was only the test match cricket, but after everyone in the stands and the field kept falling asleep the 50/50 match was introduced. It still lasted all day, but at least it was only one day. Teams were now allowed to wear colors and stadiums started selling things like Red Rooster Chicken, Coca Cola, Domino's Pizza, and Crepes (for some reason). Lastly, at the onset of the 21st century the 20/20 match was introduced. This game lasts only a few hours and usually has bigger "hits" and more exciting plays. It is considered the Camaro of cricket. It is flashy, quick, and exciting. Rock music is played during the game, there are giant digital screens, and pyrotechnics exploding for big hits and outs. The fans cheer and boo, they do the wave, and they play with beech balls and get obnoxiously drunk. It had a very familiar baseball like feel. They even played familiar songs (such as the Addams' Family, where everyone was encouraged to clap along.) When you listen to the older generations of Australians most seem to agree that with the invention of the 20/20 match, the game of cricket has become a quasi-American sporting event (all spectacle and no patience). However, there also seems to be an agreement that the 20/20 match is the future of the sport. The younger generation of Australians and their shortening attention spans (thank you YouTube) are pushing for the quicker games, more and more. As for my American perspective, I tend to agree with the younger generation. Watching a game in respectful silence over the course of 5 days, was maybe great in the 1800's when there wasn't much else to do, but nowadays, who really has the time?

In the end, I have left out a lot of the more technical and confusing aspect of the game like what an LBW is or how and where the fielders are allowed to move before or after the first over. It's really not important, because like a cricket game this blog entry has run rather long... Tea anyone?